Laughter and Tears

I went home for the weekend, a last minute decision to just take a break after a stressful week with my first Organic Chemistry test. It was so nice to just go home and relax, hang with my family and friends and not have any deadlines to worry about (putting my homework on hold for the moment of course.) It was so much fun. I laughed so hard with my family that I was in stitches with tears running down my face. I haven't laughed that hard in a long time. I have a lot of good times with my friends here at school but it's nothing like and never will be like the times I have at home; just a small thing that's gotta be acknowledged, in my case anyway.

Well, I was leaving to come back to school and I just wanted to cry. I was feeling homesick and I hadn't even gotten on the road yet. It's a funny thing to say since I'm now in my third year at ISU and worked across the state all summer, but that's how it goes sometimes I guess. I hadn't gotten to even see my dad all weekend. I'd been at my mom's and when I'd stopped by his place, he was gone. The fact of being home and not seeing him was one reason for me to be upset. But I was blessed as I was going in to see my grandma that we met on the road. We each pulled onto our respective shoulders and just talked across the road through our windows. I didn't get a hug, but at least I got to say hi. That made me feel a little bit better.

I got in to Grandma's, where I never have enough time to stay and visit it seems like, but it's one of my favorite places to be. Bless her heart, she's always so excited to see me (and all my siblings) and she always has to pull the mother hen routine and take care of us, even though she just had her 90th birthday. She took me in, barely letting me out of a hug while she weighed me down with groceries from her own cupboard even as I tried (like always) to tell her I didn't need them. As I was leaving though, I got the best thing I could from her. I told her I loved her, like I always do, but today she surprised me by telling me she loved me back. Those words are seldom heard just like that out of her mouth. She always shows and tells us a thousand different ways, but hardly ever says those three together flat out. I think it was that right there that made me miss home, even before I'd left, the most.

I realized a long time ago that I miss so much when I'm away from home, but it hit me really hard today. Each time I go home my brothers are bigger and my sister is still prettier. They're more mature and always have new stories to tell. I just feel so out of the loop. I mean, I'm not selfish to the point that I think their lives won't go on without me, but I still wish I was there to see it happen and be in on it. So there's the things I do miss, and then there's the things I'm scared of missing, or not being there when they happen/ not being able to make it home. My worst "what-if" always runs through my mind when I leave my grandma's, which made it so much more special today when she out and told me she loved me. I got on the road after waving a last time and watching her in my rear-view mirror, stand in her driveway to watch me drive away, and just started crying. The tears running down my face were like the water running on my windshield as I drove for nearly the first half hour before I calmed down and settled in for the next two hours.

I think it's an important thing to learn and accept, that there are things we're going to miss, no matter how much we don't want to. But those aren't the things in life we should focus on. Instead we should take every opportunity we're given and make the most of them, making memories and finding new adventures that we can in turn share with our loved ones. They miss out on just as much in our lives as we do in theirs, something that I frequently forget but try to make up for by having long phone conversations when I can.

Feeling like a part of you is left behind can be hard to deal with, but it's normal and healthy. I think that I'm blessed to be able to feel that way when I leave home and my family. To be able to feel weakness is a strength and a part of growing up, a fact I often have a hard time grasping. So even though I feel that pain, I rejoice because I know it's because I'm leaving my home with all it's love and security to go out on my own again. But I also know it's always there to go back to, no matter how much I miss. I feel sorry for those who don't feel that connection for one reason or another because in our sorrows can come our greatest comforts and joys.

Don't be ashamed of "weakness" when it can really be seen as a strength. And though each of us may have our own reasons, we're never alone. There is most often another going through something similar. It's a part of growing up and the experience of getting out on our own. It should be embraced and learned from, but never ashamed of. We shouldn't regret the times we miss or get caught up in the "what-ifs," but we should make the most of the times we're given. Take comfort and smile, we've all been there at one point and those times will come again, but in that we can all come together. The laughter and tears we share and shed shape who we are and who we will become.